College was the next big thing to happen to me and I was ready to cash in on it. It was my last year in high school and I pretty much had no idea where I wanted to go. I applied to Fordham, Boston College, and Seton Hall. I got accepted into these colleges but my mom thought Boston College would be the best for me. We argued back and forth until my mom convinced me that Boston College was a better choice. My dream of going to school in NY was shattered and I prepared myself to become an Eagle. At the last minute, I added St. John's to the list of my colleges because I believed in its educational values and its strong commitments to its students. I focused all my attention on finalizing my admission into BC and making sure that all the required documents were handed in.
As the deadline for the college registration drew near, I was about to submit the last document needed for my admission until I received an email requesting me to print a form and also complete it. I did as I was required but couldn't fax it because the office was closed after 5 pm and they were not open on weekends. On May 1st , I faxed the required copies and also called them to make sure that they got it. The Financial Advisor told me that he got it but was having problems registering me because my name was no longer in the school's registry. He asked me to check with admission to figure out what the problem was. I was transferred to admission where I was given the biggest shock of my life . I was told that they were fully booked and there was no space for me. I told them that I had been in contact with their office for a month now and I had given them all the necessary documents they needed. My pleadings fell on deaf ears and I felt as if my world was crumbling right under my feet. I couldn't go back to any of my other colleges because I called in advance to let them know that I was no longer interested in their offers.
I went home with a broken heart and as I sat on the coffee table, crying, my mom walked into the room with a big envelope in her hand. I explained to her what had happened and she was shocked. She consoled me and told me that all hope was not lost and she handed me my St. John's admission letter. I was very happy and I called SJU the next morning. They assured me that everything would be alright and that I was in safe hands. I don't know whether to call it fate or was it just nature playing a game on me. Maybe all along I was looking in the wrong direction and I had to be called back to my destiny. Maybe I was supposed to be in this class from the get go. As I write this blog, these are many questions that are going through my head. Someday I would have answers to these questions but right now, all I can say is that "I am living the good life."
It was a very appealing and grasping story. The lie was also very hard to figure out. We didn't even have a little inkling. The only thing I can probably say is that it was probably a little too long and it was more descriptive than it should have been.
ReplyDeleteI think that this is a very well written story. The story was suspenseful, as I was trying to figure out what would happen next. This story is very relatable, as we all recently went through the stressful process of applying to colleges.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the language you used in your narrative. You had colorful phrases such as "cash in on it" and "my pleadings fell on deaf ears." You did a good job of staying away from cliches as well. Also, I'm glad you took a positive approach to the ending of your story.
ReplyDeleteAs constructive criticism, I'd just say that you could have laid out the three options for the lies a bit more. Any of the plot points could be options as is. Also, in the beginning of the last paragraph you wrote that your mom had an envelope in her hand. Since you wrote that it made me think that the envelope had something important for your college decisions in it, but it ended up just being a redundant fact. This could be good on the other hand, though, because it added a suspenseful element to the ending.
i like your story. it was confusing to which ones where a lie because in class you had another story which kind of threw me off. But, the language and description and details made the story more suspenseful and really drew me in. Great story
ReplyDeleteI think your flow, cohesion and varying sentence structures are the strongest part of your writing. Your writing never becomes dry or boring, and you constantly keep the reader's attention. However, I believe that you could have spent less time explaining the time and effort into Boston College, but more on the disappointment of having to go to St. John's.
ReplyDeleteI thought your narrative was very well written and descriptive. I loved your use of details. It not makes your story more interesting, but allows the reader to step into your shoes. The only critique I have is in the last sentence is should say "Someday I will" because you are talking about the future.
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ReplyDeleteI think your story was very well structured. I think you used great narrative because it just pulls the reader in. I found your story very relatable because it reminded me of the feelings of stress I felt when I was applying to schools.
ReplyDeleteYour story was very well written. You included lots of details and transition from one paragraph to another was logical and natural. The only weakness was that there was a lack of descriptive language.
ReplyDeleteI think you used really good description when it came to this story for example "I went home with a broken heart and as I sat on the coffee table, crying, my mom walked into the room with a big envelope in her hand. " There were a lot of sentences like these that really helped the reader have a clear vivid image of the story. I think all in all you also did good at hiding your lie in the story as well.
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